Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Ho-Ho-Holidays

Ho-Ho-Ho, and yes she was. When a friend invites you to go with them to their companies upscale, talk-of-the-town, Ugly Christmas Sweater party, you don’t show up in JUST the ugly sweater alone and 5 inch heels for two reasons.


One, it’s a CORPORATE affair, not some kickback will your college buddies where if you get incredibly drunk and share flashes of your holiday tinsel to everyone, no one will care.
And two, it’s in poor taste to OUTSHINE the person who invited you to the cool Christmas party you knew nothing about. She just saved your ass from a night at home, alone, drinking apple cider and watching re-runs of The Grinch on ABC and you’re going to show up as the girl on Santa’s naughty list?

This is a personal story shared with me by one of my very close friends, Lily, a real-life, vomit in my mouth, experience that she had with her girlfriend. Lily works for a very high-end fashion company, and they throw an ugly Christmas sweater party every year. This year she chose to invite her new friend, Jenna, that she recently met at a local Starbucks. Jenna seemed fun, yet still conservative and proper, with a pleasant attitude as they gossiped about being single and what it would like to meet the “right one.”  She assumed it would be perfect for her to come to the party and possibly meet someone. Not ever experiencing the “nightlife” with Jenna, Lily just assumed she would keep that proper demeanor she experienced when they met at Starbucks. Boy, was that the wrong assumption.

Jenna showed up to the Christmas party, barely recognizable, and half naked. Lily was planning on introducing her new “proper” Ms. Claus to her coworkers, but now found herself stuck as to if she wanted to even be associated with this little wild snow bunny. Being the good-hearted woman that she is, she welcomed Jenna with open arms, and introduced her to friends anyway. Jenna was VERY friendly, maybe too friendly. Matter of fact, Lily ended up finding this snow bunny and a snowman in the coat closet. Needless to say, Jenna ended up giving a whole new meaning to “ho-ho-ho.”

Monday, November 30, 2015

Bachelor Party No-No

Word to the wise - make sure you research who you’re hiring before you decide to hire them. I was throwing a bachelor party for my best friend, because clearly I was his best man, and like most hound dogs would, I only found it appropriate to hire a stripper. Before I chose to go behind her back, my boy’s fiancĂ© already made it clear that she was NOT having it. No strippers allowed. But eh, who am I to listen to her? I’m just a New York prick who likes to take it there and she isn’t the boss of me; you’re damn right I’m going to hire a stripper.


If you haven’t sensed my arrogance at this point, you know how hard it is for me to admit that I’m a complete noob when it comes to using the internet. Regardless of my lack of knowledge, I knew this is where I would have to find the stripper. So, I ask my boy Roy if he has the 411 on some hot strippers, and he tells me to look in the city. Well duh, Roy, I never would have thought there’d be strippers in Manhattan. So I get on the internet, and I’m searching for hours, literally. Like, I thought the internet was supposed to make shit easier. Anyway, I got sick of it, I mean the shit was making me hungry for a plain slice. So what did I do? The first hot chicks I came across on a website I booked and hit the brick to smoke a loosie and get me some pizza.


A few weeks later, it's time for the bachelor party and we’re all posted up enjoying some brews when I hear a knock on the door. Man, I’m so excited to see these broads and the look on my boy's face! The groom wasn’t expecting extra company, so he looked at me like “what did you do?” I was pretty sure he was going to spaz on me once I opened the door opened but I didn't care. I knew once the dancing begun, he would loose all anger he had towards me.


I let these two broads in and man were they smokin’! They came decked out in tight little police girl outfits, it was like a dream come true. Wait, did I do this for me, or for the groom? I didn’t even remember at this point. They put some music on and start dancing around flirting with the rest of the fellas. The guys are loving it! They throw my partner on a chair in the middle of the room and start dancing circles around him taking their clothes off. Tops come off, and things really start to turn up; I’m thinking “boy, would I like a slice of those.” And then...

Pants come off. I’m looking like “what the hell is that?” My boys are looking around confused, and the grooms too caught up to even notice; until Big Breasted Bertha props her leg up on his shoulder. The groom not only wasn’t expecting to see strippers, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t expect to have a plate of meatballs in his face. It turns out while my stomach was shouting for a slice of pizza, I avoided my research and hired drag strippers. Lord, have mercy… Talk about backfire. At least his fiancee won’t be TOO mad.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Not Your Grandma's Valentines Day


I know it’s still awhile away, but you can never be too prepared for Valentine's Day. with that being said, how do you surprise your babe on Valentine's day? Do you go for chocolate covered strawberries that woo, or are would you opt for a lovey-dovey movie? Do you buy him socks, or cook him dinner? Because personally, those are all things I think can and should be done daily for your loved one. There are so many creative ways to say “I Love You” that we shouldn’t limit our minds to what society says we should do on Valentines Day, right? Sure a darling heart box with chocolates in them is always appreciated, but let's think outside of the box, literally.

There are so many events that are perfect for couples to experience in the world, and luckily, we have Valentine's Day to use as an excuse to participate in them. For instance, why not take a class together! It’s really good for a relationship to experience learning something new. There are plenty of classes to choose from such like cooking or painting, and hey, most of these classes are accompanied by booze so you can get your buzz on. There are also lots of sexy local learning opportunities that you and your spouse can stumble upon to get your fire burning. Most people are embarrassed to take these types of courses, but it should be something fun and new for you and your partner that you both will benefit from. Nothing gets the juices flowing quicker than a Kama Sutra class or a sexy strip tease lesson.

Here’s another option for your special date night. Rather than taking a trip to the movies, take a trip to another city and stay in a cozy little cabin or hotel room while enjoying a candlelit bubble bath together. Or even better, just take a day to visit an actual spa, with a hot tub much bigger than your hotel tub. Indulge in a day filled with pampering and champagne. Men, don’t worry, it will be OK, and your manliness won’t diminish. Embrace the spa day, don’t fight it. As a matter of fact, your lady will appreciate you taking part in the pampering. Scrubbing the roughness off those feet and hands and cleaning up under those nails. Then she won’t let you take your little angel hands off of her.

So spice things up this Valentine's Day. Or screw it, plan a romantic random Tuesday. Whatever it is you do, your significant other will appreciate the effort.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Winter Wonderland Wedding

My wedding was supposed to be a winter wonderland, and I trusted my maid of honor to know exactly what that meant. I mean, she is my best friend. I put her in charge of decorating my ceremony hall since I had a zillion other things on my plate. Well, let’s just say my maid of honor took my request a little too literally. I don’t know how "wonderland" translated to "candyland", but it did. Thank God for wedding rehearsals, or else I never would have never had time to fix the mess that was my wedding. We were about to be wed under a gingerbread alter. When I say she took it too literally, that was an understatement.


I entered what was supposed to be my beautiful dream of a wedding, to see a nightmare. The aisle was lined with fake snow. That alter was accompanied by snowmen and reindeer; like oh, hello, I didn’t realize there were extras in my bridal party. The beautiful stained glass windows that made up the walls of the banquet hall were “complemented” with garland and holly. This was the tackiest wedding I have ever stepped into. Am I questioning my maid of honors decorating skills? No, but I am wondering why in the HELL she would ever think this is okay. Are you trying to sabotage my wedding?


When I entered the hall, my stomach dropped to my knees, my throat closed up, and my eyes were wider than a deer in headlights - or in this case, Rudolph in headlights. My maid of honor was looking at me with a huge smile like she accomplished something. The only thing you accomplished was giving me a heart attack. I said a Winter Wonderland, not the North-frickin'- Pole! She rushed up to me and said “You like it!?” How does one put “Hell no. This is a nightmare. You ruined everything” nicely?


I took a deep breath and said “Rachael, how did this happen? Sweetie, this is not anything like I wanted.” Her face went from Jennifer Aniston to Kanye West, real fast. I told her “This needs to be fixed by tomorrow. I wanted a winter wonderland, not the Claus' house.” I pulled up my idea of winter wonderland on my cell phone so she could correct it all.

Come the next day, she had the place looking like a Thomas Kinkade painting. It was flawless; decorated with white linens and drapery, tea lights buried in white rose petals lit up alongside the aisle, and a delicate white branch alter lined with white lights. The large windows were now complemented with frosted decor. It was everything I dreamed of. It was classy and elegant, and now I truly felt like Elsa. Moral of the story, if you don't want “anything to do with” your wedding decorations, at the very least provide examples of your vision before just handing it off to someone to throw together off of two words.

Monday, November 9, 2015

When Life Imitates Theme

If you have gone to college, you know the majority of a college experience involves partying and getting drunk. It probably goes without saying that your entire Freshman year consisted of you becoming close friends with a handle of Bacardi and even better friends with the toilet. I don’t know how college students do it, but when I was in school we threw a different themed party every weekend - sometimes you’d be a superhero on Friday, Cowboys and Indians on Saturday, and a pirate on Sunday. I’m getting exhausted just reminiscing! One that stands out the most to me from my past was a Toga Party I attended with my basketball teammates.

When it comes to toga parties, guests typically manipulate white linens to create their togas, picture the movie Alexander - or Animal House, depending on who you are. Straying from your basic white-sheet outfit, I decided that mine was going to shine like the golden treasures of Cleopatra.

Before my roommate and I headed out to help set-up the decorations, we made sure we had the sexiest heels on, rather than gladiator sandals. I know, I know, you’re thinking “basketball players in heels?” Hey, we’re athletes, not men. Now, if you want to ask something like “drunk basketball players in heels?” I can work with that. That’s a guaranteed good time - or in this case, a rough time.

We arrived at the party early and helped put up some decorations and blew up balloons to match the theme. We laid out the bar and prepared the first line of shots, then began the festivities. Shot after shot, toga after toga, people started showing up until it felt like we had all just played a full game of hoop. Sweating and hot as hell, I could hear some tussle in the background.

I looked around and saw my teammate, the host of the soiree, arguing with some chick who recognizably was NOT an athlete. This rando and her friends just decided to go ahead and show up, not even in proper costumes #rude. Apparently, they were angry that she was telling them to leave because they were not welcome in her home. So, my roommate and I rushed over there before things popped off - we weren’t about to let our girl go down without us by her side to keep her up. We stood next to her and I took the heels off to get ready in case these girls wanted to pull a fast one. Turns out I had the right idea because in the middle of the banter this crazy tried to throw a punch at my girl and her friends followed.

At this point, it was two of my teammates and myself on the ground, all of us in short toga skirts, flashing ass cheeks to the rest of the party-goers, in a brawl sparked by an uninvited guest. What the hell? It was three against five, this was bound to cause a mess. I took the first one down easy, but kind of messed up the DJs station in the process. The second girl gave me a run for my money, she was a little on the huskier side. This is where being drunk came in handy because all of my adrenaline built up, my inner Hulk came out, and allowed me to drag her outside by the hair.

When I came back inside, I could see my teammate struggling with the leader of their pack. I ran over there, grabbed her off of my friend and accidentally threw her through a glass sliding glass door. I guess my adrenaline hadn’t gone down yet. I felt bad for breaking my teammates door, but it was either the door or her own face, so I’m sure she didn’t mind. Turns out some theme parties can actually come to life - THIS IS SPARTA!


Have a similar story? Share YOURS in the comments!

Friday, November 6, 2015

Tales From Behind The Bar

Most people think that being a bartender is just a lot fun and good money. I mean, who doesn’t want access to delicious drinks and heavy tips? But believe it or not, being a bartender isn’t all lemon drops and flirty banter. We asked a few bartenders what bothers them most when they’re on the job, and think you’ll enjoy their responses!



“Besides the fact that in the morning I feel like I got hit by a train, I completely love bartending.” - J.K.

“The hours can be dreadful. Who the hell wants to work through the night? Let alone on the weekends? While all of your friends are getting drunk, you behind the bar serving them. Lame. But good money.” - T.R.

“We tend to run out of glasses fast, and it really is a pain in the ass having to yell at the bus boys to gather the empty ones around the bar, and the dishwashers to make sure there are clean glasses ready to go at all times. How does it look when someone orders something and you tell them you have no glas for them? Say buh-bye to that tip.” - P.L.

“I HATE cleaning up afterwards. Wiping the bottles, the bar, and the occasional throw up from the floors is NOT fun” - J.N.

“One, I hate when people beg me to give them a drink when they don’t have their ID on them; and two, I hate having to deal with the drunkards that insist on me giving them another drink. Do you know how awkward it is to tell a grown man ‘You’ve had enough to drink.’?” - M.D.

“Inventory. Shoot me now” - T.T.

“Being asked ‘So what do you do for a living?’ by a customer. Like, oh, I didn’t know bartending wasn’t a realistic career. Did you assume that I’m an aspiring artists, or that I’m only bartending to pay for my schooling or something?” - K.R.

“If someone can simply invent some shoes that feel like cuddles, hugs and rainbows, then I’d have no complaints about my job. My feet are killing me by the end of my shift.” - N.P.

There you have it, the truth behind the back of the bar. The next time you go and throw a few back, remember to be kind to your bartender. It’s pretty clear how rough it can be back there, and we should all have a little more consideration for our favorite cocktail connoisseur, I mean, they are the one's in charge of your drinks for the night. So eat, drink, be merry - and don't forget a generous tip!

Thursday, November 5, 2015

All Dolled Up

What is “too much" and what is “too little” makeup when it comes to getting dolled up for a special occasion? Let’s consider that when done correctly, makeup is meant to enhance your natural beauty, not camouflage what you really look like. When it seems like a competition to see who can be the most fake these days, it’s easy to wear too much and overdo it. There are a few keys to knowing if you’re plastering your face or not. Let’s hope the majority of you won’t find yourselves rushing to the bathroom to chisel it off after reading this.



MAINTENANCE FACTOR - If you have to trot to the bathroom every hour to fix your makeup or apply MORE, well then you’re doing too much. Your makeup shouldn’t be so high maintenance that everyone can notice when it starts to diminish.

FOUNDATION - OK seriously, I’ve seen too many women in my day with a horrendous foundation line that clearly displays their lack of attention to not only detail but to the tone of their own skin. If you want a tan, hit the tanning salon, but don’t buy foundation that's a few shades darker and expect for it to look natural.

BALANCE - Whether you love a smoky eye or you feel sexy with a red lip, please don’t combine the two - that’s doing too much. Hot pink lips and blue eyeshadow - are you TRYING to look like cotton candy? I mean, I’m all for being creative but you want to look REAL, not like a cartoon. You want to appear your best, so avoid looking so dramatic that people are afraid to approach you. This is not Sleeping Beauty and you are not Maleficent (and even SHE toned down the eye makeup with the bright lip, you go girl).  


EYES - Highlight your eyes with colors that compliment your skin; ONE coat people, you don’t want to look like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show.  For a more elegant or classic look, choose neutral colors to make your eyes stand out. Eyeliner can be tricky, but applied correctly can make you look alive and fresh. Apply a subtle line rather than a heavy line like our girl Elvira. Oh, and please keep the mascara down to a few coats also, or you'll end up a clumpy mess like the Jersey Shore's number one fan, Snooki.

LIPS - Just don’t gunk it on. A thin coat, blended well, usually covers it. Lipstick can get clumpy and end up being “teeth-stick” if you’re not careful with your application.

GLITTER - No.

SHIMMER - Yes. Shimmer and glitter are not the same thing and a little shimmer on your cheekbones or eyes can give you a fresh glowing look.

Let’s conclude that even if you look drop dead gorgeous,  there’s one last little secret I want to tell you that might help in considering your makeup decisions; most people prefer NO MAKE-UP as opposed to CAKE-UP. So don’t feel the need to HIDE behind your makeup, just let it enhance your natural beauty and avoid the chiseling and hammering.